My Tattoo

For many of my friends...you anticipated the day I'd get one - since Bill has his fair share and all. However, I said very confidently each time I was asked - I don't have a stance against them, but I just don't know what I'd want so bad or what I'd be so passionate about to put on my body forever. Forever.

However, I now know. It's a word. One word. Irreplaceable. After all, it's what I am. But it's the journey I've been on to get here and the journey I continue to take to remember...that I never want to forget - THAT is why it's worth putting on my body forever. A permanent reminder - something that will ALWAYS be relevant. I'm irreplaceable. Brandi you're irreplaceable.

In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different (attributed to Coco Chanel). I read this quote at the most perfect time and it stuck...in a permanent way.

When we're trying to please others, be who we think the world needs us to be, be who we think we SHOULD be, be who we think others want us to be, be who we think we need to be to keep our job, to make others happy, to do the right thing....not only is it exhausting, but it depletes the 'difference' and makes us replaceable.

I don't want to be replaceable in my work life, my family life, my friend life, any life. I WANT to be different - always have. It's the reminder of this instinct that my "irreplaceable" gives me.

I am worthy. I am unique. And I offer a whole lot...in an irreplaceable way.

Tattoos rock! And for those still doubting - you're right...I didn't get one, but if I did it'd be this. ;)

My gratitude journal

I'm feeling VERY nostalgic; perhaps it's because Bill is gone this weekend...the first that he's left the house for the weekend since he's been home from Afghanistan in 4 months. Without any plans this weekend, it's been a great opportunity to relax and reflect. So here it is...

I'm most thankful for my friends and my family. Especially for the support you showed while Bill was away. I feel indebted forever..and am so grateful for the relationships that have been made stronger because of it.

My family - I was nervous to tell you he was leaving. In fact, nervous doesn't even do it justice (Bethany knows). I thought I was going to be sick when I had to tell you we had made this decision together. But you did just like I normally would've expected and you wrapped your arms around me - always there to talk, listen to the same stories over and over, and listen when I didn't have a story at all. Especially you, Mom. For you Mom - I am so grateful. I'm also grateful for what I've learned about your experience as a wife and mother through this trial I've faced. Thank you for everything.

My Tampa Girls - I don't even know where to start. You all welcomed me from the beginning, but when Bill left - you all truly stepped up. Our friendships became stronger, your concern was so sincere, and your commitment to making sure I was okay was unsurpassed. Tracy - I remember our first REAL (lengthy and productive) shopping trip together. I never KNEW I liked shopping that much until you and I did it together. And then there's the tri-dates we had; I never felt like a third wheel with you and Matt and on the contrary felt like I was exactly where I needed to be; thank you. Liz - the day you came with flowers and just to say hi - when it was everything I could do to answer the door and choke back tears in conversation...I'm so thankful. Jessica - if I wouldn't have met you - I don't know where I'd be. The irony of our similar situations at that very moment created a quick...and now life-long bond. Lindsay - you knew what I didn't know and I have always felt comfort in saying anything and everything to you about how I was feeling. You set a wonderful example of how it can work and for that...I'm eternally grateful. Sally - Our time was cut short, but your spirit is contagious and one I will never forget. I have so much admiration for how you live life and I take lessons from you daily :) Donna P. - My Tampa Mom and friend - you were the one I told first and yes, it was through tears on the way to the golf tournament. I can't imagine being with anyone else that day and I know it was no accident. Per your experience and calming way, you helped me through that day and subsequent days like no one else could. Amanda - You're a strong, confident, knowledgeable woman and I now have the pleasure of calling you my friend. When you invited me to church...it changed everything. It was the first time I opened my heart to the idea of handing everything over to God; it was the most peace I had felt in a LONG time and I'm so thankful you invited me and supported me. Christie - you are just a ray of shining light. Every day is happiness around you. You're supportive, enthusiastic, intelligent, compassionate, and more. I am so thankful to have met you and again..I know the timing was no accident.

Glen and Kelly Hatchell - Home Buddies NE Tampa - Again, I hardly know where to start. I invited you into my home from a mere Internet search and yet, I attribute a GREAT deal of my support, survival, and education to you guys. You came into our home when I was exhausted by the dogs and their behavior. You didn't call me crazy (to my face :)) and you worked with them as if they were your own. You spoiled me as far as 'dog walking services' go FOREVER, but I am eternally grateful for your friendship, your sincere love and commitment to our dogs, and simply for the people you are. I think of you (and thank you) every single time I put the dogs in "place" or do the door routine. I brought you into our lives for the dogs and yet, you gave ME more than I bargained for in a most spectacular way.

My Greensboro and Raleigh Girls - All of you made sure we stayed in touch although everyone's lives were fast paced. The visits, the phone calls, the updates..every single one made it seem like things were 'normal' and that is just what I needed. Thank you for caring, thanks for listening, thanks for calling. I am so thankful for your friendships.

And Bethany - I truly don't know where to begin when it comes to thanking you for your unconditional friendship. You are always a phone call away armed with the best advice, the most sincere listening ear, the laugh when I didn't want to laugh, the push when I didn't know I needed pushing, the conversation when I just wanted to talk. You are a constant and I am eternally grateful.

This list could go on and on...I'm thankful for Adrienne the realtor I met when I called about the rental house we're now in in Raleigh. She's a spunky, successful business woman, who took me under her wing and got us in a great house for our transition back to Raleigh. Unbeknownst to her, she teaches me daily about living your passion.

The Raleigh Riding crew - Lisa J. - the number of times you've called and invited me, encouraged me to ride, included me in events, called to say 'hi' - our friendship has flourished and I'm so extremely grateful.

My heart explodes with gratitude; because of all of YOU (and those I have left out but you know who you are) I am who I am. I like who I am and am thankful for who I am and am more thankful to have you all who have contributed a great deal.

Thank you for your friendships.

Sincerely,
Brandi

Finally singing out loud again...

One thing I know about myself is that if I'm singing out loud...while doing laundry, the dishes, in the shower, etc....I'm feeling more like my confident self and a little more at peace.

After almost 3 months of Bill being home...I'm singing again...out loud. And it feels good.

It probably sounds odd to say, so let me explain. June 13 was the best day EVER. I picked him up from the airport and I knew this homecoming would be different. There was a chance that he was only home for 2 weeks and would return to Afghanistan for 6 weeks before done, but I just felt..in my soul....that there was a better chance he'd be home for good and sure enough he was.

The next few weeks were fantastic - we lived on cloud nine...as we should. And we continue to live there, but reality has certainly set in.

Bill is home and home for good. He has started his own business and working to land his next client. He's a successful businessman and I'm so proud of him.

But the unknown, the not knowing, the uncertainty, has gotten the best of me yet again. For the last month, I've felt anxiety like I've never felt before. As soon as I wake up, I feel nervous like I'm getting ready to perform a dance I've not rehearsed or a speech I didn't prepare for. The nervousness in my chest stays there...all day, every day...week day and weekend. It doesn't go away and I've tried to pinpoint why.

The closest I've come....is this weekend. I was driving home Friday and it dawned on me..I need to live in the present. I need to appreciate the present. I need to stop worrying about the future and live...and appreciate the present.

For almost 2 years, since Bill left in December 2009, I've worried about what the future looked like. How would I cope? What would happen to him? To us? What would life look like while he was gone? And then, he returns...and my employer/company is merging and Bill is finding a new employment track. Will we have jobs next year? How will we adjust to being married again? Will we have the family we want? The questions of concern and wonder..swirl again. They overtake me.

And that's when, any time I catch myself worrying or thinking about the future and what it looks like..I try to stop myself and focus on the moment. Because the truth is..when Bill was gone..all I wanted was - 'the moment'. All I wanted was the trip to the grocery store, the holding hands walking through the mall...the welcome home kiss after work. The moment - is all I wanted - and all I truly need.

I shall focus on the present as when I was "in the past"..."the present" is all I ever wanted.

Fulfilled....

For me, fulfillment was meeting the man of my dreams. I knew something was missing...I had lots of things going for me, but I was missing him...the man I would marry. I was missing the man, other than my dad, who made me think..who made me feel like I was capable of anything, who made me feel beautiful. To me, my husband was the missing piece - Bill was my missing piece. I was a confident, out-going, social woman...with an advancing career. He was the missing link who magnified everything else I already had going for me. Life was good.

And then he left...I felt unfulfilled again. I didn't realize it at first, but I did. I was back to the way I felt years before I met him, living on my own, the single life, trying to give my life purpose...it was a lonely life. I've never done "being alone" well. I'd rather distract myself from the thoughts I have in silence and the struggles I must hear in my head...when nothing else is going on. And I've never been like my girlfriends who can stay busy constantly and never have down time. I MUST have downtime to function, but it's in that time..that I'm forced to think...and consequently feel alone.

So when a friend invited me to Bible Study in a very 'safe' and seemingly fun environment...I said yes. I'm not sure why...and I even wonder time and time again how my friend came to ask ME...of all her friends. However, from the first meeting I was changed. We were studying 'changing your thought closet' thinking more like God would have you think of yourself than the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think. I thought...WOW...someone has a greater power because the things I've been thinking for the last few months?! Nothing but negative...and destructive.I was losing my confidence in the partner I was to Bill, I was losing my confidence in the employee I was, losing my confidence in the person I was for myself, basically....losing my confidence in everything. However, from that night forward...I resolved to change my thought closet. And let me tell you...your thoughts are POWERFUL! I didn't allow myself to think negatively..insecurely...and in an instant..it changed my perspective.

So then came Journey...the church. The music was a little loud and the preacher a little too emotional...at first. However, my friend who had invited me said...you'll get used to it. I had explored at least 4 other churches and LOVED doing this by myself so I didn't feel pressure. But one thing led to another...and my heart opened up in Journey. I discovered how AWESOME it is to hand everything over to God and let him guide you through. My moment was actually at Crossroads church when the pastor talked about 'trials'. He explained how God puts you through trials to only bring you out on the other side...a better person. It wasn't until I heard that sermon...that I was standing in the backyard with the pups one morning..hurriedly asking them to go "potty" while I was dressed for work and most likely running late. It was as if a beam of light shined upon me (as in the immediacy of my realization)...i thought: these dogs are here to teach me patience. They are here to teach me that not everything goes according to plan or on schedule...or on MY schedule. It was in that moment that I truly accepted the fact that God was putting me through a trial that I had so long ignored and consequently was not reaping any of the benefits.

Through this journey, I now know...I am a better person, a better wife, a better partner, a better daughter, sister, friend, and more. I have opened my heart to the one who knows..in a time when i was EXHAUSTED by not knowing what I didn't know. He knows and I feel great comfort in that knowing.

Doubting the undoubtable...

Wow. I can't believe it's taken me this long - more than a year - to realize I am in a 'trial'. Bill's absence after our first year of marriage is one big fat trial - to say the least. It's a test, it's a challenge, it's got good and bad wrapped all up in it. But the thing that was made most evident to me in the last week is that it is ALL on purpose.

I've spent more than a year resisting the opportunity to learn from this experience. I've tried to deny I had anything to learn. My objective was only to tuck my head and get through it. It would be over before I knew it. THAT was the test - existing. However, the true test is coming out a better person on the other side.

I now know..I have A LOT to learn to benefit from this experience the way it was planned for me to.

This revelation is such a relief. We can't do everything by ourselves and when we don't know...what we don't know...it's comforting to know He does.

I'm thankful for this awareness and will continue to go through this 'trial' as the best student I can be.

A Kiss...

This weekend has been one of the first I've been able to stay put, enjoy our clean, organized, home and go about the pace that came spontaneous to me. To no surprise, I watched a LOT of TBS and ABC Family. I couldn't be happier :) Chick flicks warm my soul.

So in the beginning, I was reflecting on how lucky I am that I have the happy ending most of these love stories pursue. In my love story, I have the most handsome, humorous, witty, smart man I could have ever dreamed of. I have the fairy tale.

However, by the end of the weekend when I had watched Step Up, Step Up 2, Best Friend's Wedding, Wedding Singer, and Wedding Planner.....

I began not to be so content with the fact I had the fairytale.

By the time I got to Wedding Planner and Matthew McConaughey walks away from the "supposed to marry bride" and turns to Jennifer Lopez, his heart of hearts....and holds her head in his kiss....i imagined what that felt like...Bill's kiss. I went from thankful to wishful to hopeful...of when *I* will feel that heart pumping kiss again.

I think...it's all well and good that I KNOW I have the fairytale, but I miss living with him day to day. Truth be told. There it is. I miss coming home to my Prince on a Tuesday.

I Love you Bill and am so thankful you've shown me what living the fairytale truly looks like - it's attainable, tangible, and intangible and totally worth it!

How do you do what you do?

It's a question I get a lot. And one I brush off with a simple...you could do it too. Because believe me, I never thought before being faced with such a challenge that I could endure this one.

However, during Bill's 3 weeks home...I thought a LOT about this question. And quite frankly, it's not fair to brush off with a simple 'you could do it to.' What I discovered is that the same reasons I find I can do it...are the same reasons I wonder how in the world I can actually do it.

Bill Reeves is my best friend. He lifts me up when I'm feeling down. He makes me laugh when I don't want to. He makes me think when I thought I had it all figured out. He makes me feel more confident than I ever feel on my own. He trips my trigger :)

I'm proud of our partnership. I'm proud of him when I have him by my side. I'm proud of us.

We tackle life well together. It's a whole lot more fun grocery shopping with him...than without him; even if he gets lost on the other aisle. It's more fun cleaning the house when he's here and I love having dinner cooked for me once in awhile :) I enjoyed our little dinner competition (that he probably didn't know we were having).

This year apart..and the next 8 months that we face...is good in that I PINE after him and LONG to be together. I almost feel like we're dating...which is not a bad thing :) The only difference there is that I know without a shadow of a doubt I'm the only one for him and I do rock his world. I have to know this...he does a great job of making sure I know this. And it's what adds to our healthy partnership.

But when he's away...the house is so quiet. Nothing, at first, seems important at all. I wish everything could wait until his return. However, we both know it can't. We must live and not only exist. This is my goal for the next 8 months.

So when asked how do I do what I do? It's the same reasons I have no idea how we do what we do.

I love you darling.

B