Fulfilled....

For me, fulfillment was meeting the man of my dreams. I knew something was missing...I had lots of things going for me, but I was missing him...the man I would marry. I was missing the man, other than my dad, who made me think..who made me feel like I was capable of anything, who made me feel beautiful. To me, my husband was the missing piece - Bill was my missing piece. I was a confident, out-going, social woman...with an advancing career. He was the missing link who magnified everything else I already had going for me. Life was good.

And then he left...I felt unfulfilled again. I didn't realize it at first, but I did. I was back to the way I felt years before I met him, living on my own, the single life, trying to give my life purpose...it was a lonely life. I've never done "being alone" well. I'd rather distract myself from the thoughts I have in silence and the struggles I must hear in my head...when nothing else is going on. And I've never been like my girlfriends who can stay busy constantly and never have down time. I MUST have downtime to function, but it's in that time..that I'm forced to think...and consequently feel alone.

So when a friend invited me to Bible Study in a very 'safe' and seemingly fun environment...I said yes. I'm not sure why...and I even wonder time and time again how my friend came to ask ME...of all her friends. However, from the first meeting I was changed. We were studying 'changing your thought closet' thinking more like God would have you think of yourself than the destructive thoughts you allow yourself to think. I thought...WOW...someone has a greater power because the things I've been thinking for the last few months?! Nothing but negative...and destructive.I was losing my confidence in the partner I was to Bill, I was losing my confidence in the employee I was, losing my confidence in the person I was for myself, basically....losing my confidence in everything. However, from that night forward...I resolved to change my thought closet. And let me tell you...your thoughts are POWERFUL! I didn't allow myself to think negatively..insecurely...and in an instant..it changed my perspective.

So then came Journey...the church. The music was a little loud and the preacher a little too emotional...at first. However, my friend who had invited me said...you'll get used to it. I had explored at least 4 other churches and LOVED doing this by myself so I didn't feel pressure. But one thing led to another...and my heart opened up in Journey. I discovered how AWESOME it is to hand everything over to God and let him guide you through. My moment was actually at Crossroads church when the pastor talked about 'trials'. He explained how God puts you through trials to only bring you out on the other side...a better person. It wasn't until I heard that sermon...that I was standing in the backyard with the pups one morning..hurriedly asking them to go "potty" while I was dressed for work and most likely running late. It was as if a beam of light shined upon me (as in the immediacy of my realization)...i thought: these dogs are here to teach me patience. They are here to teach me that not everything goes according to plan or on schedule...or on MY schedule. It was in that moment that I truly accepted the fact that God was putting me through a trial that I had so long ignored and consequently was not reaping any of the benefits.

Through this journey, I now know...I am a better person, a better wife, a better partner, a better daughter, sister, friend, and more. I have opened my heart to the one who knows..in a time when i was EXHAUSTED by not knowing what I didn't know. He knows and I feel great comfort in that knowing.