Happy (for the most part) New Year 2010

I contemplated the title of this post because I haven't yet determined how I feel about 2010. It starts the full year that I will spend away from the love of my life, my strength, my support, my laugh factory. However, in the Atlanta airport when we said "until next time"...we vowed to stay strong and make this year go by as fast as we possibly can.

One might think that means pulling the covers over your head, but that's not in either my nor Bill's nature. So that's where the "Happy" in the title comes from - Bill and both promised to stay happy for each other. The "for the most part" of course is the obvious void we will both feel the entire year..no matter how happy we make our individual lives.

So what does happy look like for me this year? Happiness will be taking better care of myself so that when Bill returns it's second nature and I won't feel 'guilty' for trying to do so. Happiness will be learning and executing the "ins and outs" of running the house - fixing the yard up, keeping the pool filled, improving our 'curb side' appeal, paying all the bills. Happiness will be talking with Bill and keeping our heads and hearts connected through the technology means we have available. Happiness will be obtaining a job that I'm completely fulfilled by and happiness will be visiting/hosting friends and family who mean the world to me in 2010. And most of all, when Bill lands in Tampa - I WILL BE the first familiar face he sees and I look forward to wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him like I haven't kissed him in SIX WHOLE MONTHS! Now that's true happiness and what I look forward to in 2010.

As far as 2010 as a whole, I expect it to be a year of growth, maturity, exploration, and renovation. Amidst the obvious "for the most part", I look forward to what this year will bring to me and Bill individually which in turn will benefit our partnership.

So here's to you, my love: May the year bring you all that you hope for professionally and leave you in a place personally that we can share and explore together when you return. And in that same toast, I toast myself: to use the year to grow and explore what makes me thrive as an individual so that when you return we may...share and explore together.

Happy New Year to all - make the best of it - as this is the one chance for 2010 you get.

Brandi

Home sweet home...

Since I've moved to Tampa many people there...and even family here...will correct me when I continue to call NC "home." However, as many of you would agree...home is where your family is, where you feel more comfortable than any other place in the world, and where you can't wait to return. So I consider myself "home"... with the best, most incredible family around! And of course, Bill is here too...in conversation, shared stories, laughs, instructions (i.e. "Honey..make sure you update the virus protection on your computers there :)), and spirit - no question.

My trip here has been awesome and exactly what I needed. My mom and dad have graciously hosted not only me, but Maxxis and Kenda. They've kept their own cats 'contained' so that my babies can have the run of the house and not leave with anymore battle wounds :) Maxxis and Kenda might as well be at home too considering the excessive treats they both received yesterday while dad was puppy-sitting (that's right, dad...I noticed how much I had before I left) and the fact mom lets Maxxis cuddle up on her couch...just like we do at our house. I think everyone likes each other equally :)

Mom and I have certainly enjoyed some retail therapy and before I explain...I KNOW retail therapy (same as camping out with a pint of Ben and Jerrys) is NOT the way to deal with separation from Bill. But when I truly don't shop for myself much at all....even Bill said "good for you, honey" :) So now...I explain: I got myself this FABULOUS purple, tailored, and pleated coat. It is SO sassy and I'm in love with it. Who cares that Florida hardly dips below 50...I've always said, it's not how comfortable you are, but how good you look! And dang...this jacket looks GOOD! (pics to follow for all of you who know I'm "apparently" obsessed with purple)

Today mom and I go in search of rugs for the Tampa house. Our puppitos are having a ball with the carpet and if I want it to survive the year...we have to do something. Mom says "ollie's" has area rugs for $60-70 bucks! I'm psyched!

Lovely stay at home...awesome family...memorable time.

I cried last night...

I mean really...really cried...for the first time since leaving Bill at the airport. And I needed it. You never realize how much you've held in..how many lumps in your throat you've subsided...how many single tears you've wiped away - until you cry...really cry.

Thank you darling for listening and more importantly...understanding.

Christmas Message 2009

It's roughly 7pm here in NC and in just 2 hours...I will wish the love of my life "Merry Christmas" via skype. It's our second Christmas as a married couple..and not only will I say Merry Christmas 9.5 hours before it actually happens for those of us in the states, but I will be saying it via video phone. It's times like this that you COULD wonder why...why you're where you are...why does it have to be this way...why did you ALLOW it to be this way. And this, for the last two days, is all I could come up with:

I love the way his lunch box rests above the refrigerator and I get to use it whenever I want :) He's always had the best and I have lunch box envy :)

I love that when I've done laundry, his clothes are still in the wash; I'm folding, seeing, putting away...until he comes home.

I absolutely love turning the corner to our home and seeing his car in the driveway. It's not the same excitement as when I knew that meant he was home...but it's similar. I know he's WITH me...and he's COMING home.

I love the smell of his car. It smells like our date nights..our errands..our road trips...him, behind the wheel.

I love all the gadgets we have in the house..whether they work for me or not...they remind me of him and how much HE loves them.

I love the dogs for obvious reasons, but also because it was a decision WE made to get the two of them and their personalities EXUDE Bill's influence. I know they too anxiously await his return.

I love that I have my dop kit hung at my parents' house exactly where he would hang his..if he were here.

I love that I made the drive for US..from Tampa to NC..uneventful and in HIS car. I stopped where WE stop, I drove like HE would drive, I made it safe for all of us...just like he would.

I love saying his name. I love saying "my husband." I love the questions I get about how he is...because I LOVE talking about him.

I share all this to say...of course I wish he was with me tomorrow. Of course I wish he was with me on my birthday two days later. And of course I wish this were a short departure. However, since he's not going to be there...and since it's not a short amount of time...I focus on the intense love and emotion and awesome memories we make on an everyday basis. I don't have to get a Christmas card from him...or even an anniversary present or card to know how much he loves me. I know he wants what I want more than anything on this planet...and as adamant as we both can be.....I know we'll get it.

Merry Christmas, my love, and know that you - on November 1, 2008 - were the greatest, most fulfilling, everlasting, gift I've ever received and will ever need.

Where does a movie take you?

Another busy and enjoyable weekend down...spent with my girls and the pups. AND another week marked off the calendar...meaning Bill's return keeps getting closer and closer.

So I asked - where does a movie take YOU? I went to see "The Blind Side" this weekend with girlfriends (awesome night, ladies - thank you) and as I enjoyed the movie and the experience...I thought about how I used to feel when I was at the movies. And before I explain, I'm not the type of person to try and make ANYONE think our life is perfect or anything in it is. I only tell it like it is...

A movie is an escape. It takes you away from everything outside the doors of the theatre. Whether you cry, laugh, feel inspired, etc....it takes you away - in a good way. However, watching the movie this time - didn't take me away. Away is not where I want to be. Away would mean not having the life I have, the love of my life, these crazy animals who give me someone to talk to (I've been told by friends I'm allowed to talk TO them, but when they start talking BACK...I MUST tell someone :)) I'd be without the pride I feel about our family and the pride I have for myself. Although I never wanted to experience this distance from Bill and although I know it won't be easy as the time he's been away increases...I'm proud, and surprised, at how I'm handling it thus far.

Many friends have sincerely inquired about how I'm doing and I tell everyone the same...I do miss having my best friend around, but I'm glad I can still laugh, smile, want to get up each morning, and feel joy. Before December 5, I truly wasn't sure any of that would happen again.

AND..the other thing that gets me through is anticipating the overwhelming excitement that we're going to feel when he walks off that plane in Tampa; it makes my heart jump just thinking about it.

I love you darling.
B

"Because I can..."

"Because I can..." and "Because I need to" - that's really what we're dealing with these days. Some might think - why in the world would you reveal a picture of your dirty sink, slob! However, those in "my camp" realize this is reality. When no one is around to see...and although you might not PLAN on leaving every dish for a week in the sink...somehow it just happens. And don't misunderstand - it's truly not out of depression or laziness - Bill NEVER saw the sink like this in our year of marriage. But that was because I didn't WANT him to. So here you go honey...proof I CAN leave dishes in the sink after dinner :)

I was having a conversation with a good friend who has experienced deployment with her husband many times over. I asked her WHY??? Why am I not cleaning the house, why am I not wrapping my Christmas presents, why am I not mailing my Christmas cards when I have a TON of extra time in the evenings now. She looks at me and says...."Because you can." So simple, yet heavy and poignant.

However, even when the possibilities are endless...you eventually revert back to what SHOULD be done. :) And I'm getting there...slowly creating a new routine for myself and the pups. And I started tonight by preparing myself dill salmon, cole slaw, and veggies. Cooking for one isn't NEARLY as much fun but Bill doesn't like Salmon anyway. :) (Honey, as you well know - I would've whipped you up some chicken without a second thought - mmuuahhh!)

At the end of my....leash!

You've heard me rave about these "gremlins," adore my "babies," and talk about "cuddling" them SO tight I barely want to let them go. And in retrospect...this is all probably why I'm at the end of my leash..THE leash..whatever! I think they've gotten a big head! Let me explain:

For starters, before Bill left - I could count on ONE hand how many times I'd stepped in poop. We've had these guys 8 months and I could count on ONE hand. From the day he left for training (December 5), no kidding - someone's poop (Kenda and/or Maxxis) has ended up on the bottom of my shoe almost EVERY SINGLE DAY! And yesterday, it was someone ELSE's dog's poop. SERIOUSLY?! If I were a high strung person, this would likely undo me, but after it happened consecutively 2 or 3 times...I just laugh and know it's a conspiracy! :)

Next, we have the bathroom trash. Again, since we've had them....we've ALWAYS kept the cans on the ground with no trouble. But NOOOO....Dad's out of town and we're snoopin! Every time I turned the corner Maxxis had chewed tissue (luckily, just tissue). I reprimand him (i.e. hurt his feelings and he goes off to sulk) and I'm on my way....until it happened again and again and FINALLY I put the trash cans up higher. Sheew...rocket science, I tell ya!

So after the trash, comes the bedroom slippers and high heeled shoes. I've ALWAYS heard puppies had an affection for these things - no surprise. But again, in the 8 months we've had them - they've never touched the shoes we've ALWAYS had lying around. I thought - WOW - we have superior pups! That is, until daddy left. So first it was Maxxis infatuated with dad's slippers...then mine...and then the high heeled shoe. I about had a FIT! And the problem is that they're so dang fast and furious...I can't whop them with the shoe before their out of sight! (But I'm still trying honey...I know you say "beat 'em with it" :))

Oh yeah, and I almost forgot about what Monday held (perhaps because I'm eating dinner and hoping you're not when reading this next part). Long story short...the house reeks when I walk in of #2...I think - great! Sure enough...Maxxis had had an accident in the crate and apparently tried to 'cover his tracks' - if you know what I mean. I got them out, fed them dinner, and went outside to clean the tray in his crate. I come in...only to smell the EXACT same thing...and almost step in it. Oh yeah, he'd thrown up all of his dinner (and I swear,Kenda's too). UUGHH....all this as I'm trying to race out the door for a business dinner.

So all this brings me to the "end of my leash." I'm on the phone with our landlord tonight...in a conversation I couldn't seem to cut short...and I had leashed both Kenda and Maxxis up thinking they had to go out. Kenda was slightly biting on her leash, but I didn't think any more than normal. I pulled it out of her mouth and continued my conversation. When I set down the phone and went to pull both of their leashes up in my hand....Kenda had nothing to pull and only an innocent look on her face as TWO INCHES of her leash hung from her collar. I WANTED to choke her.

So needless to say...as I drove the Pet Supermarket (that is luckily open until 9pm) I listened to the song "Breathe"...and did just that - in my nose, out of my mouth. And truly, if it's the last thing I do - these "precious pie, puppito, cuddly gremlins" are NOT going to get the best of me :) This is MY show!

The first weekend...

I'm rounding out my first weekend as CHIEF of the house :) ALPHA of the dogs and OPERATOR of the Reeves home. Wow...in retrospect I've had quite a busy weekend! And let me tell you, adjusting to all these new titles (I've just given myself) has taken some work and will take even more in time....I'm sure.

I've been able to talk with Bill several times via phone and Skype. He looks SUPER HOT (as in sexy hot, not temperature) and comfortable. He tells me accommodations are fine and he sounds really optimistic. I'm so grateful to have talked to him so frequently..he's so awesome to understand that this means SO much to me and make such an effort.

So I wanted to fill my weekend with things to do...and look forward to. I have awesome friends who invited me to a great Christmas party Saturday night. And as for Sunday...well, Sunday I was on my own (by choice). I wanted to take the dogs to get a picture with Santa and I wanted to surprise Bill thinking the story AND picture would be hilarious. However, we got there (the three of us) in line....it is a HOT line (and this time I mean temperature wise) and Kenda and Maxxis decide to fill the hallway with the echos of their bark. Yep...noise makers and hyper gremlins - that's who I brought to see Santa. So as I looked around and saw many "sample dogs" in people's arms or larger, very tame breeds....I looked at K&M after staying a good 15-20 minutes and said, "Maybe next year big guys."

The next thing I had planned to do for myself..and my honey..is drive HIS car. Uuugh...I have been putting this off all week and after today's sharade...I understand why. However, initially, as I climbed in...I immediately teared up. I smelled our date night on Fridays, our errands on Saturday, and the dog park on Sunday. I started to tear up..right before it all became a little comical. He drives a Dodge charger (and did I mention how hot he looks in it)?! However, Ms. Betty is WIDE..she's a WIDE girl and I'm unsure how Bill fits her in the driveway with my little girl, but he does. So I get in his car, adjust the seat (oh yea, honey - it's up to the ceiling), adjust the mirrors and attempt to back out of the driveway. I kept hitting the curb. I tried three of four times and couldn't get out without going over the curb. Seriously?! So I then took my car and moved it out to the street. THERE...problem solved, right? So I get back into this BEAST of a car and back her out....only to see the brake light. CRAP?! Where's the release? I hit the actual emergency brake instead of the release?! The car stops in the middle of the road....a car is behind me...and finally the release for the brake jumps out at me! Shheew......the rest of the drive, thank God, was uneventful.

The rest of the afternoon and evening has been as pleasant as it can be...with two pups cuddling me like they KNOW I need them to be good (and calm) right now. And although I have two invitations this evening to get out of the house...I really just want to stay in my PJs and cuddle on my babies. I'm doing okay...but just want a little down time.

Until next time...

It's funny...you leave someone after having dinner at their house and you say "good-bye," you leave someone after a Christmas party and you say "bye," you leave work and you tell your co-workers "bye, have a good night" but when you're leaving the love of your life not knowing when you'll see him next...inside six months....you want to say everything BUT the seemingly overused, harmless words - "good-bye."

As many of you can imagine, the sadness we felt that night is unmatched thus far. As I got on the escalator going up and he got on the train...my heart has never felt that much pain. And as he said on his blog post, so lovingly and so sincere, it's his hand in mine...his tender kiss...his constant laughter...and his scent - that I'll miss the most for the next few months.

I have the most incredible man to love, support, and be strong for. HE and his safe return are what makes me know, even amidst unbearable sadness, that we will get through this.