Finally singing out loud again...

One thing I know about myself is that if I'm singing out loud...while doing laundry, the dishes, in the shower, etc....I'm feeling more like my confident self and a little more at peace.

After almost 3 months of Bill being home...I'm singing again...out loud. And it feels good.

It probably sounds odd to say, so let me explain. June 13 was the best day EVER. I picked him up from the airport and I knew this homecoming would be different. There was a chance that he was only home for 2 weeks and would return to Afghanistan for 6 weeks before done, but I just felt..in my soul....that there was a better chance he'd be home for good and sure enough he was.

The next few weeks were fantastic - we lived on cloud nine...as we should. And we continue to live there, but reality has certainly set in.

Bill is home and home for good. He has started his own business and working to land his next client. He's a successful businessman and I'm so proud of him.

But the unknown, the not knowing, the uncertainty, has gotten the best of me yet again. For the last month, I've felt anxiety like I've never felt before. As soon as I wake up, I feel nervous like I'm getting ready to perform a dance I've not rehearsed or a speech I didn't prepare for. The nervousness in my chest stays there...all day, every day...week day and weekend. It doesn't go away and I've tried to pinpoint why.

The closest I've come....is this weekend. I was driving home Friday and it dawned on me..I need to live in the present. I need to appreciate the present. I need to stop worrying about the future and live...and appreciate the present.

For almost 2 years, since Bill left in December 2009, I've worried about what the future looked like. How would I cope? What would happen to him? To us? What would life look like while he was gone? And then, he returns...and my employer/company is merging and Bill is finding a new employment track. Will we have jobs next year? How will we adjust to being married again? Will we have the family we want? The questions of concern and wonder..swirl again. They overtake me.

And that's when, any time I catch myself worrying or thinking about the future and what it looks like..I try to stop myself and focus on the moment. Because the truth is..when Bill was gone..all I wanted was - 'the moment'. All I wanted was the trip to the grocery store, the holding hands walking through the mall...the welcome home kiss after work. The moment - is all I wanted - and all I truly need.

I shall focus on the present as when I was "in the past"..."the present" is all I ever wanted.